The present tense

I’m in the middle of a pretty serious mental breakdown. I’ve had some in the past, but this one has really made me feel the most… crazed.

For the last two weeks I’ve had the profound sense of loneliness. I’ve had no personal interaction on a physical level. I’ve “talked” to my roommates, but, as they are both declared introverts, it hasn’t been meaningful. It’s just been me and my mind.

Contrary to common belief I am not, myself, an introvert. I do not find personal satisfaction, nor am I recharged, by being alone. I might need some quiet alone time now and then, but I need to be around others far more often.

The thing is, I suffer from social anxiety. I start to feel more and more uncomfortable the more people I’m surrounded by in a social setting. It all becomes white noise, and I stop being able to hear others speak or engage in conversation. I retreat to the hollows of my own mind. What is strange however, is that I have no problem talking in front of a crowd. When they are there to listen the size of the crowd doesn’t bother me. It’s the chaos of mingling that does.

What I prefer are small social groups. A handful of people all there for each other. I need to be surrounded by this. For me, the situation that is ideal is when the friendship is about the group – as though we were all parts of an organic whole. But the key is that it’s small enough that everyone has to interact with each other. It can’t be so large that sub-groups will break off.

At a minimum I need some contact every couple of days. Unfortunately, this has been denied me for about two weeks now. It makes me feel very bad about myself. I’ve felt lonely the majority of my life. I’m almost always alone. I have no one to say “good night” to me, so I’m forced to say it to myself. You can only take so much of this before you start to reflect the situation onto yourself . I’m alone because I’m a bad person is the conclusion I invariable come to. This has instilled in me a rather deep seeded hatred for myself.

One of the problems is that I go through so many solitary periods that I tend to overreact or overstretch myself when I finally do get some interaction. This has the unfortunate reciprocal effect of turning people away and returning me to another period of aloneness.

But what can I do? I’m usually ravenous by the time a I receive more human interaction. I’ve become a starved and dehydrated animal. I’ve been denied a basic necessity – I can’t be reasonably expected to behave in a more restrained manner.

So I don’t expect any of this to change. It never has so far. Loneliness has been the rule, not the exception. I used to think that if I tried to make myself unemotional then it would help ease the feeling of suffering. But this did not work – I was dead on the outside, but very much alive inside. So the only conclusion I can come to now, is that I should destroy by Ego. I should have no personality and should think as little as possible.

It’s been a hard two weeks, and it’ll be at least another before it comes close to being ameliorated. My family is coming to town to go to a Phish concert (who goes to a Phish concert with their family?). I should be excited for this. It should be the release I need. But I’m not. I don’t expect to have a good time. I’m too drawn under. I need to feel normal before I can start to feel good.