tangerine

A couple of pictures of my tangerine sapling. It makes my porch smell nice.

outer space

My brother and I had a conversation last summer. If aliens came down to Earth as said to you "Want to come and see the universe with us?" would you go? What if you'd never be able to talk to your friends and family again? What if, not only could you never talk to anyone again, but also that you couldn't tell anyone you were leaving? You'd just have to leave right then and there? The conclusion we both came to was that you should go. Even if it caused harm to everyone you knew you should still go - the benefits are too great and if they did know they'd probably understand. I have to say I'd go. There's nothing on this rock that particularly binds me to it. We did however, insure ourselves. We asked our mom, "would it be OK if we went off to outer space with aliens if we couldn't tell you that's what we were doing? If we just disappeared one day?" Of course she said, and affirmatively so, no. That it would be far too painful. But that's why we asked. So we told her, "well this is us letting you know, if we disappear one day, it's because we went away with spacefaring aliens. Now you know!".

It is true, I have to say, sometimes I rue not being born generations in the future. It saddens me that I probably won't get to go to other solar systems. But maybe I will. I secretly hold the hope that if I live long enough that science will sufficiently have advanced to slow ageing, or freeze me until we can finally travel far out there.

double chocolate brownies

This week is Diversity Week. Essentially, all the cultural groups get together, have a couple of speakers, a bake sale, and a pot luck. This year (Friday) we are having a BBQ and a band play. This is an all law school thing. There's no undergrad cultural event. Sadly, it pales in comparison to the university wide event VCU has each year, and not as precious as SGU's ICSA event. No dancing or silly skits. The whole thing is run by the only Indian girl, only three Muslim girls, and myself. After we leave I wonder what will happen to it. No one else really cares.

I always bring the same thing to these types of events - macaroni pie. You know, that bland macaroni and cheese concoction that was only edible with copious amounts of hot sauce. I say that, but I always loved the stuff. Anyway, I have no idea how they made it - I can never get mine to come out the same. I have my own recipe though. First, I boil orzo (wheat noodle that looks like rice). I drain it and put it in baking dish. Over it I spread shredded cheddar cheese and a cup of milk with an egg beaten into it. Then comes the spices: black pepper, white pepper, red chili powder, fenugreek, cumin, turmeric, and mint. Then a cup of tomato paste, and healthy dashes of a vinegar based hot sauce. Then I add in another layer of a thick noodle (like rig rigatoni). I mix all of this together. Then I pour graded parmesan cheese over it. Bake it at 425 for about an hour. Truth be told I never do it the same way twice. I've got a few variations. All of them are delicious. I change it up to keep people confused.

Oh yeah, this started to be about brownies. For out bake sale someone brought a big box of very delicious and very luscious brownies. I live across from the law school, so after the bake sale all the food was brought over to my apartment. It was supposed to stay there until the pot luck today. I was good, I didn't eat anything... except for the brownies. Killed those things. I discovered that you could take a cup, fill it about 1/3 with brownies and fill the rest with milk. I'm wet just thinking about it...

july heat

My body has been running a fraction of a degree hotter. My blood slowly boils in my arteries. I can feel the strings of my muscles shiver ever so slightly. I ran hard today. While my body has gotten stronger my appetite has gotten weaker. I find that I'm usually not hungry. This is how I felt as I walked to All Saints. The second coffee bar I went to today. It's about a mile from my apartment. The walk is through an old neighborhood. The sky like ink the Spanish moss covering the newly budding oaks makes the walk seem even darker. I listen to Flying Lotus on my iphone. Out of LA, he writes lo-fi "chippy" electronic hip hop. I walk past a trash can in a park and a long-haired Siamese cat jumps out. It looks like Mia. It stares at me for a few seconds and runs underneath a car. I stare at it. I like to stare at cats. My hope is that they won't be afraid of me and come up to me. Sometimes they do. This cat doesn't. I walk on to the coffee bar. When I get there All Saints is busy. There is nowhere to sit. Even the sofas - usually empty - are filled. I need to work on my paper. No where to sit; no reason to be there. I turn around a walk back. When I get to the trash can the Siamese cat jumps out again. This time is doesn't run away. It doesn't come up to me though. I walk a few feet away. I stare at it too. "Mia!" I call. The cat does nothing. It isn't Mia. I know it's not. Mia is in Virginia. Sometimes cats will run away and go back to where they were originally from. I thought I'd try....

I think of things as I walk. I'm trying to decide on whether I should graduate in December. But if I do what should I do? Where should I go? This isn't my home. But I also don't feel like I have a home. Virginia doesn't seem like home anymore. Should I get a job? Should I get another degree? Should I walk from place to place seeking enlightenment? Sometimes I think that's what will happen to me. But why not? Why should I work? Money? Why should I work for myself? For material thing? To contribute?

I also think of you. I fantasize that, tired and heavy footed, you walk through the door. Weary you start to fall, start to collapse, but I catch you before you do. I carry you to the sofa and lay you down. I massage every muscle in your body. I carefully separate the fibres, purging the stress and lactic acid, and then I put them back together. You fall asleep. I disappear until tomorrow.

running

Since January, I've been running again. I run almost every day. I ran today. I feel salty and a little dehydrated, but dehydrated in a good way - like I've purged the excess. I don't really get sore. Although I could use a good massage. I've lost a few pounds too. The run today was really good. I did my medium distance route. My form is getting better. I didn't stretch today, but normally I do. Actually, I usually spend a good 20 minutes stretching. There 's something hypnotic about it, something calming. Running is really the thing I look most forward to doing. Last week after a good hour and half run, I still felt up to it, so I ran another half hour.

Added to this is that is that I've been trying to eat better. Trying to cut meat out of my diet. I've noticed that my body doesn't like bad things. I had pizza last week and my body wasn't happy with me. It's starting to become easier to not need soda. I have sort of a moral dilemma. A couple of days ago a steak - a little fillet mignon wrapped in bacon - from the freezer and put it into the refrigerator to let it thaw. I feel bad though. I don't want to eat it. But I don't want to let it go to waste either.

saving a plant

I've had a jade for several years now. I bought it as soon as got home from Grenada. It's gone everywhere I've gone. Sadly, last summer I left it for a couple of weeks to go home. That's usually OK. It's a succulent and they don't normally need much water. But when I got back I noticed that it had been ravaged by a fungus infection. I trimmed it way back. But the infection didn't go away. So I kept clipping and clipping. At the end there was only one leaf. I still have the leaf. It sits in a little limoncello cup that's now encrusted with calcium. Tiny delicate roots grow from its tip.

Earthquake

The earthquake in Japan makes me see just how insignificant we tiny creatures are in the scope of planets. Japanese culture has been a constant source of influence to me. My heart goes out to everyone there.

important things

Man's nature is love. He cannot survive a moment, when deprived of love. It is the very breath of his life. When the vices to which he was attached so long, disappear, love is the only occupant of the heart; but love has to find an object, a loved one. It cannot be alone. So it is directed to purity, service, sacrifice and selflessness; that which has taken residence in a cleansed heart. There is no scope now for any other attachment to grow. So, step by step, this love becomes deeper, purer, more self-denying, until at last, there is no other need for thought and the individual has merged into that love.

14 Candles

14. That's too many right? I know it depends on age, but that seems like a lot. It's way too many for me. Apparently, the national lifetime average for women is 4... 14 at age 23... It made me feel like a huge jerk, but I think I'm right. It's a shame though. Haven't met someone I could carry on a 5 hour phone conversation with in a really long time. Literally, from 1am to 6am... But that's a lifestyle I'm not interested in being a part of. I had a conversation once, I felt like a jerk then too, actually, I was a jerk then. I said, "whatever, it's just physical". Nearly in tears she replied, "That is horrible. How could you have sex with someone you don't care about". That's probably a paraphrase, but I did almost make her cry, I can still remember her brow furrowed and temples quivering. I know I was a jerk because I didn't mean what I said, and was just trying to get a reaction. I felt bad for it. She's right too. Sex with a multiple partners is not appealing. The emotional connection is as important as the physical... and honestly, the older I get the more I realise that it's the most important thing. Something about monogamy draws me. Even if there were no repercussions, I'd rather just have sex with one person over and over than as many women as I could possibly want. But I don't want to seem judgmental about it. I'm not saying that I'm right and others are wrong. I'm not saying that I prefer monogamy for moral reasons either. If others choose to have a more promiscuous lifestyle, that's fine, it's just not what I want for myself. I want emotional connection, and I don't really think you can do that if you have a lot of sexual partners. But not that I'm "perfect". I have had sex with multiple people, but I've always tried to do it with emotional connection. So I rejected who seemed to be a very nice girl solely because she had had sex with what was to me to be way too many people. When she told me I was dumbfounded... it was not something I was expecting... I was shocked into silence. I didn't say anything disparaging, and the next day I tried to end things nicely and not judgmentally. Intellectually, I don't think I'm a jerk for it, but I still feel like it.

just what comes to the mind

Tired. Hope to get a good night's rest. Today is my long day, class from 9 to 7. I run afterwards. The muscles that allow my feet to move hurt. I forget their names. A little too much dinner. Been eating too much lately anyway. It's a shame Girl Scout cookies are so unhealthy. Samoas. I'll never finish the box. Paper deadline extended until Monday, but page count extended to 35 pages. I've got two of them due. 70 pages. Spring Break starts next week. Nowhere to go and nothing to do. Probably work on my papers. Had a weird dream last night. Two whales were living in out swimming pool at home. We don't actually have a swimming pool in real life. They had large snaggley teeth. Friendly enough though. We ended up playing Cricket. That's right, I had a dream about playing Cricket with whales. I want something sweet. Like pudding . . . hmmmm