Thursday, July 26, 2012
A long sigh
Two days of 9 hrs of exams per day. Crossing fingers that I passed. Time to vacay for a few weeks.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
A long string of dreams
My dreams have been completely bonkers over the last few weeks. Entirely too intense. Violence, arguments, fighting, crime, sex, murder, mayhem - ex-girlfriends, childhood friends, family members - regrets, fears, disappointments. It's gotten to the point where sleeping is as stressful as being awake.
Two days ago I dreamed that Jenny and I were walking on a long narrow peninsula-shaped beach. The sand was white, and the water pale green and opaque. She was wearing the same black board shorts she wore when we went to Busch Gardens, and a white T-shirt. But she was older than the 20 year-old Jenny I knew - she was the 33 year-old Jenny whose birthday was just a week ago. The beach was crowded, but we walked on. She turned around, and I gave her a kiss. In the dream I could feel the kiss - wet and slippery. It was opposite to the actual dry hard good bye kiss I gave to her years go. I hugged her just as tight though. I said, "I'm sorry you had to go away". I hadn't felt this intensity of regret and frustration over her in a decade.
Last night... and luckily I can barely remember it...
It started as an omniscient perspective dream - there were cops and a street bazaar - barbeque pits and balloons and smoke everywhere. It was a documentary, but one that I was experiencing first had. The cop was under suspicion of something, and I was observing all the scenes piecing together the truth for myself. But there was no truth. According to the rules of the documentary it was by definition inconclusive - no completely correct inference could be drawn.
The dream escalated and morphed into something different. All of the cops were in the first floor of a skyscraper. The walls were all glass. It was night time, and there were no lights on inside the building. The blue-black night sky, as deficient as it is, was the only source of light. I was observing from a small kitchen to the side. On a set of stairs I saw a victim. His mouth was bloody, and he pulled out a piece of bloodied flesh from his mouth. "That's the evidence right there!" someone shouted. "You should go turn that in". The bloodied man acquiesced. But when he got to the center of the middle of the lobby floor he stopped. There was a crowd of cops in the middle. One of them shouted, "He's coming inside! Everyone stand guard". A dark figure, shrouded in shadows, walked slowly and silently, like a phantom, through the front door. A gun fight erupted. I don't know what happened because the dream transformed again.
Now I was in a long hall. There were a few fluorescent lights, but it was mostly dusky and speckles of dust floated silently in the stuffy air. The walls were covered with pale brown carpeting, and were bare except for the few light fixtures. The hall was lined with rows of folding tables, and they were manned by college students promoting their various clubs, social events and causes. The hall was filled with people, all animated, all interacting with each other, but the sound was never more than a murmur. It sounded as though we were all under water.
I turned a corner and there was another hall. This one filled with glossy wooden tables and students sitting and studying. I wanted to be with them. I wanted a group to study with.
I moved on to another corridor. This one had restaurants in it. I stopped at a coffee bar. I was with a group of people. A bunch of short cute sorority girls with ironed hair and fake blonde highlights. They all wore white shorts and T-shirts. I got there before them so I had a coffee. But when they got there they said they were going to have lunch so I went up to the counter. I ordered a cappuccino and a ham sandwich. They handed me a paper cup, more bowl-shaped than cup-shaped. They indicated that I put it under a chrome machine on the counter a press which button I want. I did, and a glop of mushy coffee beans came out like soft-serve ice cream. I handed it back to them and they served me my cappuccino and sandwich. I walked around the coffee bar to a set of benches outside. I made small talk to the sorority girl walking with me. She has on a peach coloured shirt. When we got to the benches my brother called me from the distance - beckoning me to come.
The yard bottle-necked to the entrance of a cave. I went with my brother inside the cave. When I got inside it was the house of some wealthy family. It was decorated with thin carved wood furniture, rich brocades hung on the walls, and intricately woven carpets lined the floor. It was representative of some culture, but not a culture that existed outside of my dream. There was to be a religious ceremony of some sort, and my whole family was to attend. We all had to dress in traditional clothing. I put on this long, thick blue silk coat. I wrapped my hair around these sanded wooden stakes. It was painful. We walked out of the back of the house where there were tents arranged in an inverted U-shape. We walked to each tent and said hello to the people inside of them.
Then I got an email from a message board forum. It chastised me for not posting a thread properly. I had reposed something on request of one of my brothers, and the moderators were accusing me of stealing it and claiming something that belonged to someone else as my own. They all started shouting at me. They said, "You didn't follow proper procedure!" I was surrounded by people. They moved closer and closer in on me. All shouting. They finally consumed me in their wave. I woke up.
I didn't wake up in fright though. It wasn't like waking up from a nightmare where you suddenly wake up. I woke up calmly. It was as though my subconscious had decided that continued sleep was a bad thing, that it would be healthier psychologically if I woke up. It was protecting itself from anymore dreaming.
These are just two dreams. There have been many others lately, but they are all of the same quality and intensity. Once which I only now vaguely remember dealt with Sameer, an oval-shaped hotel encapsulated inside what I can only describe as a geodesic dome, and people studying on a terrace on the second floor. In another I was in a smallish glass building. Down the middle were two rows of tables. Flanking them were enormous bookshelves nearly as tall as the ceiling. I sat with these two girls and a guy. They all had thick dictionary-sized books stacked around them. I told them stories of my adventures whilst dissecting in Anatomy lab.
I think I could use a break.
Two days ago I dreamed that Jenny and I were walking on a long narrow peninsula-shaped beach. The sand was white, and the water pale green and opaque. She was wearing the same black board shorts she wore when we went to Busch Gardens, and a white T-shirt. But she was older than the 20 year-old Jenny I knew - she was the 33 year-old Jenny whose birthday was just a week ago. The beach was crowded, but we walked on. She turned around, and I gave her a kiss. In the dream I could feel the kiss - wet and slippery. It was opposite to the actual dry hard good bye kiss I gave to her years go. I hugged her just as tight though. I said, "I'm sorry you had to go away". I hadn't felt this intensity of regret and frustration over her in a decade.
Last night... and luckily I can barely remember it...
It started as an omniscient perspective dream - there were cops and a street bazaar - barbeque pits and balloons and smoke everywhere. It was a documentary, but one that I was experiencing first had. The cop was under suspicion of something, and I was observing all the scenes piecing together the truth for myself. But there was no truth. According to the rules of the documentary it was by definition inconclusive - no completely correct inference could be drawn.
The dream escalated and morphed into something different. All of the cops were in the first floor of a skyscraper. The walls were all glass. It was night time, and there were no lights on inside the building. The blue-black night sky, as deficient as it is, was the only source of light. I was observing from a small kitchen to the side. On a set of stairs I saw a victim. His mouth was bloody, and he pulled out a piece of bloodied flesh from his mouth. "That's the evidence right there!" someone shouted. "You should go turn that in". The bloodied man acquiesced. But when he got to the center of the middle of the lobby floor he stopped. There was a crowd of cops in the middle. One of them shouted, "He's coming inside! Everyone stand guard". A dark figure, shrouded in shadows, walked slowly and silently, like a phantom, through the front door. A gun fight erupted. I don't know what happened because the dream transformed again.
Now I was in a long hall. There were a few fluorescent lights, but it was mostly dusky and speckles of dust floated silently in the stuffy air. The walls were covered with pale brown carpeting, and were bare except for the few light fixtures. The hall was lined with rows of folding tables, and they were manned by college students promoting their various clubs, social events and causes. The hall was filled with people, all animated, all interacting with each other, but the sound was never more than a murmur. It sounded as though we were all under water.
I turned a corner and there was another hall. This one filled with glossy wooden tables and students sitting and studying. I wanted to be with them. I wanted a group to study with.
I moved on to another corridor. This one had restaurants in it. I stopped at a coffee bar. I was with a group of people. A bunch of short cute sorority girls with ironed hair and fake blonde highlights. They all wore white shorts and T-shirts. I got there before them so I had a coffee. But when they got there they said they were going to have lunch so I went up to the counter. I ordered a cappuccino and a ham sandwich. They handed me a paper cup, more bowl-shaped than cup-shaped. They indicated that I put it under a chrome machine on the counter a press which button I want. I did, and a glop of mushy coffee beans came out like soft-serve ice cream. I handed it back to them and they served me my cappuccino and sandwich. I walked around the coffee bar to a set of benches outside. I made small talk to the sorority girl walking with me. She has on a peach coloured shirt. When we got to the benches my brother called me from the distance - beckoning me to come.
The yard bottle-necked to the entrance of a cave. I went with my brother inside the cave. When I got inside it was the house of some wealthy family. It was decorated with thin carved wood furniture, rich brocades hung on the walls, and intricately woven carpets lined the floor. It was representative of some culture, but not a culture that existed outside of my dream. There was to be a religious ceremony of some sort, and my whole family was to attend. We all had to dress in traditional clothing. I put on this long, thick blue silk coat. I wrapped my hair around these sanded wooden stakes. It was painful. We walked out of the back of the house where there were tents arranged in an inverted U-shape. We walked to each tent and said hello to the people inside of them.
Then I got an email from a message board forum. It chastised me for not posting a thread properly. I had reposed something on request of one of my brothers, and the moderators were accusing me of stealing it and claiming something that belonged to someone else as my own. They all started shouting at me. They said, "You didn't follow proper procedure!" I was surrounded by people. They moved closer and closer in on me. All shouting. They finally consumed me in their wave. I woke up.
I didn't wake up in fright though. It wasn't like waking up from a nightmare where you suddenly wake up. I woke up calmly. It was as though my subconscious had decided that continued sleep was a bad thing, that it would be healthier psychologically if I woke up. It was protecting itself from anymore dreaming.
These are just two dreams. There have been many others lately, but they are all of the same quality and intensity. Once which I only now vaguely remember dealt with Sameer, an oval-shaped hotel encapsulated inside what I can only describe as a geodesic dome, and people studying on a terrace on the second floor. In another I was in a smallish glass building. Down the middle were two rows of tables. Flanking them were enormous bookshelves nearly as tall as the ceiling. I sat with these two girls and a guy. They all had thick dictionary-sized books stacked around them. I told them stories of my adventures whilst dissecting in Anatomy lab.
I think I could use a break.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Death, time travel, dolphins and June bugs
Several things.
Last night I looked in the mirror. A single long silver hair twinkled back at me. Then I saw my death. It wasn't the noble death I've hoped for; a death of my own choosing. It was a lonely, sad death. I saw the flesh rot from my skull. Only my eyes remained - blackened and shrived.
I watched Doctor Who after studying last night. I'm about half way through the Matt Smith episodes. Of all the super heroes I've seen over the years the Doctor is the one I identify best with. In this episode, Amy Pond - one of his companions - gets trapped in a different time stream than the Doctor. He is unable to find her until 36 years in the future. At the end they must choose which Amy to save - the young Amy who is first lost in the time stream or the later Amy who has been trapped there for 36 years. The later Amy does not want to give herself up for the younger Amy because it will mean that she will have never existed. So it made me think "if I could go back in time, even if it meant giving all all the experiences I've had until that point, and the version of myself that I currently am would never have existed?" Perhaps it's pessimistic, but I think I would. I can't think of anything so overwhelmingly good that's happened to me that I wouldn't go back if I had the chance. But when would I go to? That I couldn't decide upon.
Staring out of the window I saw a dolphin jump out of the river behind out house. At first I wasn't sure of what I saw. A black-grey thing came out of the water and glided back in a crescent shape. But then it came out again and I was sure. I ran outside, onto the pier, and sat down. But it didn't come up again.
Looking out of that same window, right now, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of June bugs swarming, flying whimsically mere inches off the ground. It's been like this for several days. Every couple of minutes one will fly into the window and bounce off. There are cicadas and dragon flies too.
Last night I looked in the mirror. A single long silver hair twinkled back at me. Then I saw my death. It wasn't the noble death I've hoped for; a death of my own choosing. It was a lonely, sad death. I saw the flesh rot from my skull. Only my eyes remained - blackened and shrived.
I watched Doctor Who after studying last night. I'm about half way through the Matt Smith episodes. Of all the super heroes I've seen over the years the Doctor is the one I identify best with. In this episode, Amy Pond - one of his companions - gets trapped in a different time stream than the Doctor. He is unable to find her until 36 years in the future. At the end they must choose which Amy to save - the young Amy who is first lost in the time stream or the later Amy who has been trapped there for 36 years. The later Amy does not want to give herself up for the younger Amy because it will mean that she will have never existed. So it made me think "if I could go back in time, even if it meant giving all all the experiences I've had until that point, and the version of myself that I currently am would never have existed?" Perhaps it's pessimistic, but I think I would. I can't think of anything so overwhelmingly good that's happened to me that I wouldn't go back if I had the chance. But when would I go to? That I couldn't decide upon.
Staring out of the window I saw a dolphin jump out of the river behind out house. At first I wasn't sure of what I saw. A black-grey thing came out of the water and glided back in a crescent shape. But then it came out again and I was sure. I ran outside, onto the pier, and sat down. But it didn't come up again.
Looking out of that same window, right now, there are literally hundreds, if not thousands, of June bugs swarming, flying whimsically mere inches off the ground. It's been like this for several days. Every couple of minutes one will fly into the window and bounce off. There are cicadas and dragon flies too.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Scrambled Eggs
Yesterday was a pretty bad day. It was on the list of worst days I've lived through. It was up there with first day of highschool, the day I decided to drop out of med school and the end of the semester spring before last. I've still not recovered from it. If I let myself I could stare at a wall all day and not even notice. I've cracked before, but never so thoroughly as this. I can barely articulate what's going on in my mind right now.
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