I’m in the middle of a pretty serious
mental breakdown. I’ve had some in the past, but this one has really made me
feel the most… crazed.
For the last two weeks I’ve had the
profound sense of loneliness. I’ve had no personal interaction on a physical
level. I’ve “talked” to my roommates, but, as they are both declared
introverts, it hasn’t been meaningful. It’s just been me and my mind.
Contrary to common belief I am not, myself,
an introvert. I do not find personal satisfaction, nor am I recharged, by being
alone. I might need some quiet alone time now and then, but I need to be around
others far more often.
The thing is, I suffer from social anxiety.
I start to feel more and more uncomfortable the more people I’m surrounded by
in a social setting. It all becomes white noise, and I stop being able to hear
others speak or engage in conversation. I retreat to the hollows of my own
mind. What is strange however, is that I have no problem talking in front of a
crowd. When they are there to listen the size of the crowd doesn’t bother me.
It’s the chaos of mingling that does.
What I prefer are small social groups. A
handful of people all there for each other. I need to be surrounded by this.
For me, the situation that is ideal is when the friendship is about the group –
as though we were all parts of an organic whole. But the key is that it’s small
enough that everyone has to interact with each other. It can’t be so large that
sub-groups will break off.
At a minimum I need some contact every
couple of days. Unfortunately, this has been denied me for about two weeks now.
It makes me feel very bad about myself. I’ve felt lonely the majority of my
life. I’m almost always alone. I have no one to say “good night” to me, so I’m
forced to say it to myself. You can only take so much of this before you start
to reflect the situation onto yourself . I’m alone because I’m a bad person is
the conclusion I invariable come to. This has instilled in me a rather deep
seeded hatred for myself.
One of the problems is that I go through so
many solitary periods that I tend to overreact or overstretch myself when I
finally do get some interaction. This has the unfortunate reciprocal effect of
turning people away and returning me to another period of aloneness.
But what can I do? I’m usually ravenous by
the time a I receive more human interaction. I’ve become a starved and
dehydrated animal. I’ve been denied a basic necessity – I can’t be reasonably
expected to behave in a more restrained manner.
So I don’t expect any of this to change. It
never has so far. Loneliness has been the rule, not the exception. I used to
think that if I tried to make myself unemotional then it would help ease the
feeling of suffering. But this did not work – I was dead on the outside, but
very much alive inside. So the only conclusion I can come to now, is that I
should destroy by Ego. I should have no personality and should think as little
as possible.
It’s been a hard two weeks, and it’ll be at
least another before it comes close to being ameliorated. My family is coming
to town to go to a Phish concert (who goes to a Phish concert with their
family?). I should be excited for this. It should be the release I need. But
I’m not. I don’t expect to have a good time. I’m too drawn under. I need to
feel normal before I can start to feel good.
No comments:
Post a Comment