july heat

My body has been running a fraction of a degree hotter. My blood slowly boils in my arteries. I can feel the strings of my muscles shiver ever so slightly. I ran hard today. While my body has gotten stronger my appetite has gotten weaker. I find that I'm usually not hungry. This is how I felt as I walked to All Saints. The second coffee bar I went to today. It's about a mile from my apartment. The walk is through an old neighborhood. The sky like ink the Spanish moss covering the newly budding oaks makes the walk seem even darker. I listen to Flying Lotus on my iphone. Out of LA, he writes lo-fi "chippy" electronic hip hop. I walk past a trash can in a park and a long-haired Siamese cat jumps out. It looks like Mia. It stares at me for a few seconds and runs underneath a car. I stare at it. I like to stare at cats. My hope is that they won't be afraid of me and come up to me. Sometimes they do. This cat doesn't. I walk on to the coffee bar. When I get there All Saints is busy. There is nowhere to sit. Even the sofas - usually empty - are filled. I need to work on my paper. No where to sit; no reason to be there. I turn around a walk back. When I get to the trash can the Siamese cat jumps out again. This time is doesn't run away. It doesn't come up to me though. I walk a few feet away. I stare at it too. "Mia!" I call. The cat does nothing. It isn't Mia. I know it's not. Mia is in Virginia. Sometimes cats will run away and go back to where they were originally from. I thought I'd try....

I think of things as I walk. I'm trying to decide on whether I should graduate in December. But if I do what should I do? Where should I go? This isn't my home. But I also don't feel like I have a home. Virginia doesn't seem like home anymore. Should I get a job? Should I get another degree? Should I walk from place to place seeking enlightenment? Sometimes I think that's what will happen to me. But why not? Why should I work? Money? Why should I work for myself? For material thing? To contribute?

I also think of you. I fantasize that, tired and heavy footed, you walk through the door. Weary you start to fall, start to collapse, but I catch you before you do. I carry you to the sofa and lay you down. I massage every muscle in your body. I carefully separate the fibres, purging the stress and lactic acid, and then I put them back together. You fall asleep. I disappear until tomorrow.