shouts in the dark

I still love you you know

failures of the American Dream

I turn 34 in almost exactly one month. The thirties have not been a kind decade. I can already feel the strings of my body coming undone. The slow march towards death. I can feel my body becoming leathery and corpse-like. It has also been a decade of failed ambitions and unrealised dreams. I have no tangible accomplishments - nothing that doesn't exist as writing on paper.

The burdens of my student loans are starting to come to fruition. In total I owe nearly $300,000. Of those, about $60,000 are in private loans. The payments for these private loans have ballooned in the last month. Previously, they were about $160/month. But now they have increased to about $380/month. I do not have the money to pay these loans. In nearly a year of looking the best job I have been able to find is an adjunct teaching position.

This semester I will teach 6 classes and earn about $9,500 before taxes. After taxes this will net me about $7,600. The cost of rent and utilities will likely cost me about $800/month or $4000 for the semester. Other expenditures: food ($200/mo), transportation ($100/mo) and unexpected expenditures ($200/mo). This is another $2500. So in total, I'm looking at at least $6500 in costs for the semester. This leaves me with only a remaining $1100 in cash. If the rest is applied to the ballooned student loan payments (and assuming I don't have to make any payments on the federal loans Income Based Repayment) then I'd run out of cash in less than three months.

I have no options. Brazos Loan Servicing - the loan service that owns the private loans - has been completely unwilling to work with me. Their only options are a maximum one-year forbearance which I have already used. They will not restructure the loan in a income based scheme similar to the federal model. I have two options: pay, which I am unable to do for the reasons listed above, or go into default.

But again, I have not been able to find a job in nearly a year of looking. I should also mention that I am a bona fide patent attorney and I still cannot find a job. If I go into default I will also lose my license to practice law. The legal field is contracting. As a result, long-term internships have become the norm. Instead of paying new attorneys they are expected to enlist in indentured servitude for a period of time with the hope (but not the promise) of finally finding paid employment. One person I talked to said his sentence of enslavement lasted for two and a half years before he finally found a job.

So this is what I am stuck with. I can't accept slavery because by the time I will be able to buy my freedom I will have already defaulted on my loans several times over (with Brazos you default after 120 days of non-payment). As a result, I will lose my license, and then, never gain employment in the legal field. But at the same time I cannot obtain a paid legal position without first subjecting myself to slavery.

In total, I have five options - all unrealistic. Pay what they ask, go into default, become crippled, die or flee the country.

A couple of days ago I came home to my parents house to stay before the semester starts. Two days ago I discovered the problem with Brazos and their ballooned payments. Yesterday, after getting into a fight with my father about it all I needed some fresh air. I drove to the other side of the river - to a public park - their house sits on. My parents are successful, but not so successful that they can (or should) bail me out of this situation. I sat in this park and looked at their house - at their successes.

Leaving the park I drove to the neighborhood I was born in. A lower middle-class neighborhood surrounded by lower-class apartment complexes. We had lived in a quant one-story house. I walked along that block - remembering the things that had happened there until I was about 8. My parents were 25 when they bought that house. My mother was a nurse and my father a high school religion teacher. I am 33, a patent attorney with a MS in biology, and the best I can do is rent a room in one of the surrounding apartments.

From there I drove to the next house we had lived in. It was a large brick house in a upper-middle class neighborhood. This is where we lived for the remainder of my childhood until my mid-20s. When I became aware of my parents as independent beings they were 33 years old. This is how old I am now, and how old they were when they bought this house. For the remainder of my life I cannot imagine ever being able to afford to live in this neighborhood.

Finally, I drove home - to my parents new house in a lower-upper or better upper-middle neighborhood. Onto a beautiful house idyllically sitting on the water. A house they were able to obtain through their lifetime of successes in their late-50s.

I do not begrudge my parents their successes. They have certainly earned them. I simply lament my own failures, both professionally and as a person, as they are my basis of comparison.

Next month I turn 34. A year older than my parents were when I realised that they were persons separate than that of being my parents. At that time they were hitting their stride - three children, a nice home, and successful businesses. In comparison I have none of those things. No significant other, no property, and no job with long-term potential.  The things that I have are a failed attempt at higher education, solitude, and almost $300,000 in student loans that I have no realistic way of ever being able to pay off.

I am only 34, but I feel old and tired. I feel that it would be merciful if death came to me sooner than later.

Carpe diem?

It seems to me that it's a waste of time to make goals for oneself. That way there is no disappointment when those goals are never realised. I wish now that I'd lived a hedonistic lifestyle focused on minute-by-minute pleasure. It may not have lead to anything in the end, but this sure isn't either. At least then I'd have had more enjoyment out of life - even if ephemeral.

The present tense

I’m in the middle of a pretty serious mental breakdown. I’ve had some in the past, but this one has really made me feel the most… crazed.

For the last two weeks I’ve had the profound sense of loneliness. I’ve had no personal interaction on a physical level. I’ve “talked” to my roommates, but, as they are both declared introverts, it hasn’t been meaningful. It’s just been me and my mind.

Contrary to common belief I am not, myself, an introvert. I do not find personal satisfaction, nor am I recharged, by being alone. I might need some quiet alone time now and then, but I need to be around others far more often.

The thing is, I suffer from social anxiety. I start to feel more and more uncomfortable the more people I’m surrounded by in a social setting. It all becomes white noise, and I stop being able to hear others speak or engage in conversation. I retreat to the hollows of my own mind. What is strange however, is that I have no problem talking in front of a crowd. When they are there to listen the size of the crowd doesn’t bother me. It’s the chaos of mingling that does.

What I prefer are small social groups. A handful of people all there for each other. I need to be surrounded by this. For me, the situation that is ideal is when the friendship is about the group – as though we were all parts of an organic whole. But the key is that it’s small enough that everyone has to interact with each other. It can’t be so large that sub-groups will break off.

At a minimum I need some contact every couple of days. Unfortunately, this has been denied me for about two weeks now. It makes me feel very bad about myself. I’ve felt lonely the majority of my life. I’m almost always alone. I have no one to say “good night” to me, so I’m forced to say it to myself. You can only take so much of this before you start to reflect the situation onto yourself . I’m alone because I’m a bad person is the conclusion I invariable come to. This has instilled in me a rather deep seeded hatred for myself.

One of the problems is that I go through so many solitary periods that I tend to overreact or overstretch myself when I finally do get some interaction. This has the unfortunate reciprocal effect of turning people away and returning me to another period of aloneness.

But what can I do? I’m usually ravenous by the time a I receive more human interaction. I’ve become a starved and dehydrated animal. I’ve been denied a basic necessity – I can’t be reasonably expected to behave in a more restrained manner.

So I don’t expect any of this to change. It never has so far. Loneliness has been the rule, not the exception. I used to think that if I tried to make myself unemotional then it would help ease the feeling of suffering. But this did not work – I was dead on the outside, but very much alive inside. So the only conclusion I can come to now, is that I should destroy by Ego. I should have no personality and should think as little as possible.

It’s been a hard two weeks, and it’ll be at least another before it comes close to being ameliorated. My family is coming to town to go to a Phish concert (who goes to a Phish concert with their family?). I should be excited for this. It should be the release I need. But I’m not. I don’t expect to have a good time. I’m too drawn under. I need to feel normal before I can start to feel good.

July 4

I'm so unbearably lonely.

Spring cleaning

Damn, has it really been since August that I've written in here? Seems so. What's been going on universe? Me? Well, lessee. First, I passed the bar. So, yay, I'm bona fide. Although immediately after, I started to study for yet another exam (which I take in about a week and a half). Then about six weeks ago I moved to a large metropolitan city. I wasn't psyched about it at first. As far as big cities go I don't think it's terribly pretty. I also don't quite like it culturally as much as some of the other places I've been. But it grows on me. The more I'm here the more I like it. I have a nice house, in a nice part of town and Spring and sex are in the air.

So I suppose this is a little too New Age or too hippie, but I've lately taken to listening to "natural sounds" - hour long recordings of ocean waves, birds chirping, babbling brooks and tropical thunder storms. I listen to this whilst studying or walking around the city. It's super calming, and I really recommend it as a de-stressing tool. Also, crystals and magnets. It's proven science that they cure diseases. No, j/k but seriously, nature sounds are great - they help take your mind from the concrete jungle.

Today is 65 and really nice. Yesterday, I walked about 5 miles, and studied at the Portrait Gallery which is a decent art museum. It was my sister's birthday so afterwards we went and got sushi and then had drinks at this (unfortunately) dirty Irish pub. There's not supposed to be smoking in buildings here, but this place was thick with it. My lungs can feel it today. Walked around a bit today too. Really looking forward to the warmer weather staying so I can get back to running. Before I moved here I was doing about 4 or 5 miles a day (because I had a gym). I'm hoping to get back to that, but I hate running outside in the cold!

Funerals in Japan

Two things, one really quick.

Lately I've been having vivid olfactory dreams - dreams where I can smell things. The other night in a dream I could perfectly smell scallops simmering in melted butter. A few nights before that I could smell fresh eucalyptus. A few nights before that the sweet sweaty smell of sex.

I've really been interested in old Japanese movies lately. Movies about the lives of adults and the issues they have to deal with. Last week I watched Juzo Itami's The Funeral. You may recall this film because it's been remade twice - once as a British film and more recently as an American film. It's technically a comedy, but it's not terribly funny and what humour there is is awfully dry. It's terribly interesting though. Basically, it is about the death of the main character's father-in-law and all the things he must do in preperation as the new patriarch of the family. It's not sad though because even though the family clearly has it's issues they come together as a family. While watching it you get the feeling that the life of the son-in-law parallels that of the father-in-law thus completing the cycle of death and rebirth. Perhaps most interestingly, it shows the practices for modern, but traditional funerals in Japan. Traditionally, funerals in Japan are done under Buddhist rites. This is because in Buddhist death is seen as a natural, neutral to positive thing. However, in Shintoism death is an evil defiling thing. Consequently, Shinto funerals are eschewed in favour of Buddhist ones. Interestingly though, weddings are performed under Shinto rites. The film depicts the major rites from Buddhist monks chanting sutras, to lighting incense to the final cremation. It's a fantastic, but bitter-sweet film.

Tonight, by pure coincidence, I watched another Japanese film about death called Tokyo Story. Tokyo Story is ancient being released in 1953 (The Funeral was released in 1984). The story is about an old couple who live in a remote fishing town in south-western Japan who go to visit their adult children in Tokyo. You get the impression that they do no regularly see their children. Throughout the movie the children don't seem to have much time for their parents and pass off responsibility from one sibling to another. It's not that they do not care for their parents only that they are too busy with their professional lives. The only one who does seem to give them much attention is their daughter-in-law Noriko. While Noriko's husband - their son - died in WW2 eight years previously, she has not remarried and is very dedicated to them. When the parents get back to their home the mother becomes ill and dies shortly. Before she dies, however, their children are able to come and visit and be there for their mother's death. However, after her funeral (the ritual for which is the same in the film above) the children decide to take a train back to Tokyo that night. Only Noriko remains. I've really abridged the plot here pretty significantly, but I think those are the main details.

I've not mentioned it yet, but Tokyo Story is one of the most critically acclaimed films of all time. Watching it I can see exactly why that is. The brilliance of the film is that is shows a significant transition period in Japanese society. It's not that the children are entirely uncaring it's that modern life demands so much of their time and they have been swept up in it. Noriko says as much at the end of the film.

I think the two films are a great juxtaposition. In both, dysfunctional families come together, but in The Funeral the family uses the death as a way to bring themselves closer together, while in Tokyo Story the death shows just how fragmented the family really is. But perhaps those differences are a result of the times they happened in. Tokyo Story takes place during the reconstruction following WW2. The Funeral takes places during they heyday of Japan's economic dominance. Maybe by the time The Funeral takes place society had calmed down, was no longer in a transition period, and as a result, sufficiently caring for lost loved ones seemed obvious again.